


family game night

by Werepirechick



Category: Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Cartoon 2018), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Adopted Sibling Relationship, Dungeons & Dragons Campaign, Family Fluff, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, I Know The Basics And Googled The Rest, No One Plays D&D Correctly In This, One Shot, SORRY YALL, The Author Regrets Everything, aka five teenagers and their dad play a game badly, april is the big sister, but its funny, its her, taz gave me inspo aight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-07-26
Packaged: 2020-07-20 05:30:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19986916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Werepirechick/pseuds/Werepirechick
Summary: “Welp. Sucks to suck, you get clobbered right out of those shadows. Donnie, make an athletics check to see if you get out of the way.” Donnie does so, and the unimpressive seven makes him scowl. “Yeah, not gonna do it. Boppit takes you down with that clobbering, too.”“Now I use my frenzy bonus to punch Lou in the face really, really hard! And- and Boppit shouts‘IT’S CLOBBERING TIME’as he does!”“This is impressively out of control, even for us,” Leo comments as he watches his twin and father both curse at Mikey.





	family game night

**Author's Note:**

> hello and welcome to my immensely indulgent DnD fic. fantasy within fantasy!
> 
> i haven't played dnd in like, three years now, so here's to hoping my listening to TAZ and googling shit makes this something a little more than nonsensical mess! jump to the notes below if you wanna know the crew's races+classes ahead of time.

“And I have rolled-” Dice clatter across the coffee table. “A nineteen! Plus my acrobatics, which makes it twenty-three!”

A second set follows. “Well, damn,” April says, chin propped on her palm as she looks at her constitution saving roll. “Lou kicks the shit out of Dragard the Dragonborn. You rebound off the wall of the cavern, executing the sickest flip in history, and nail Dragard right in the temple, snapping his neck and actually sorta tearing his head off? It’s holding on by a few fleshy threads.”

“Yes!” Splinter boasts, pumping both fists in the air. “How do you like _those_ apples, boys?”

“Shut up, you’ve been rolling fives all afternoon,” Leo gripes, visibly frustrated he didn’t get the credit of the final blow.

“Do not disrespect Lou!” his father exclaims in a huff. “He was saving my good rolls for just now.”

“Sure he was.”

“Why does dad get to name his character after himself, again?” Mikey asks.

“I did not, his name is Lou _Spin_ jitsu.”

“That one is your own fault, Michael,” Donnie comments with a smirk, reaching over the table and poking his little brother’s hand. “You shouldn’t’ve showed him that cheesy show.”

Mikey gives him a shove. “It’s cheesy but _good,_ shut up.”

Donnie rolls his eyes. “Mhm, ‘course. Anyway, Pharius moves over to the corpse and casts animate dead.”

“Roll for it,” April says in an amused tone, while everyone else makes groans of dismay.

“Donnie, _seriously?”_ Raph says, making a face. “You already have three dead guys following us around. It’s starting to stink like a funeral home in here.”

“Plug your nose,” says his brother unsympathetically. Donnie grins at the result of his dice roll. “With my spell casting modifier, that’d be a pretty little twenty-five, oh dungeon master.”

April whistles. “Damn these _rolls,_ where we these earlier when y’all critically failed to convince the townspeople not to mob up?”

“ _His fault_ ,” Raph and Mikey say, pointing accusatorily at Leo, who blusters.

“Was not! Dad and Donnie stole their magical thingy-”

“Stone of Spring,” April reminds.

“-yeah that thing, so it’s not _my_ fault those assholes used us as scapegoats!” Leo jabs a finger at Splinter and Donnie’s side of the table. “Blame the chaotic neutral jerks in our party!”

“Wow, _excuse you,_ Leon,” Donnie drawls. “I’m chaotic evil, not neutral. And we needed the stone to get down here anyway, duh.”

Leo scowls and makes a _you see?_ gesture at them both, giving Raph and Mikey a pointed glare.

“Soooo, Donnie raised an undead thrall, again,” April says in a slightly loud voice, getting them all back on track. “You’ve defeated multiple enemies to get to this point, have burned up your only map of the tunnel system-”

“Sorry,” Raph says sheepishly, the cleric responsible for that fireball attack which burnt up a previous enemy, who’d had the map.

“-and unless you rescue the mayor’s wife and return the Stone of Spring to the village, you’ll probs never be allowed in this hood ever again. Whatcha gonna do, boys?”

“We’re keeping the stone,” Donnie says, Splinter nodding along with him.

“What?! No we aren’t!” Raph shouts, genuinely distressed at Donnie’s statement. “They use that to grow their crops and stuff! We can’t take it- they’ll starve!”

“So? Not our problem,” Donnie huffs. “You know how much we could pawn this baby for? Hundreds, Raph. Maybe more.”

“Dude,” Leo says in a flat tone.

“Harsh, bro,” Mikey adds, shaking his head.

“What? I’m just playing to my character’s personality traits and moral alignment.”

“Well, then I will, too!” Raph declares. He swipes up his dice off the table and rolls them. “I roll to steal D- Pharius’ backpack and the stone inside it!”

Donnie gasps theatrically. “You _fiend!_ Betrayal from my own brother?”

“It was either gonna be you or me! Or pops. You’re both terrible people. No way I- _Valkyrie_ \- would let you get away with this!”

“You sure you wanna do this?” April asks, eyes glinting with excitement behind her glasses. “No take-backs, you know my rules.”

“We’re near the end of the campaign anyway,” Donnie says, eyes fixed on Raph’s. “Fuck it. We’re going rogue, dad!”

“Oh finally, I have been waiting for this since the first session.”

“ _Daaaad,”_ Mikey whines, “we’re supposed to be a _team,_ how could you say that?”

“I am one with the Way of the Shadows,” Splinter says gravely, crossing his arms. “Lou Spinjitsu is loyal to only to himself, and the art of ninjitsu!”

“And we’re rolling for initiative!” April declares over everyone else’s voices. “Pick a side and roll, I wanna see who walks away from this free for all.”

“Yeeeahhhhh, no, Peetza is gonna hang back,” Leo says, leaning on his elbows. “Y’all can do the turbo macarena on your own, I’ll give you fighting music.”

“You might get hit with an attack of opportunity…” April warns.

“I’ll dodge.”

“You’re confident about that, huh.”

“My whole _thing_ is acrobatics and dexterity. Also swords. Trust me, I’ll dodge.”

“M’kay, then. Roll anyway.”

“Ugh, _fine._ ” He throws his dice half-heartedly. “That’d be a three.”

“Good thing you’re not invested in this fight. What’d the rest of you get?”

“Four, but five with plus one,” Mikey says sullenly, facepalming.

“A nat _twenty_ ,” Donnie says gleefully.

“Fifteen,” says Splinter, as Raph says, “Sixteen.”

April smirks, not even the slightest upset her planned storyline has gone right out the window (give or take several scenes ago). “Alright, let’s get this tunnel tussle goin’!”

“I order my undead to attack Valkyrie!” Donnie says immediately.

“She incinerates them with flames of holiness!” Raph fires back.

“Roll it, boys! Raph, you have advantage against undead- tough for you, Don!”

Donnie and Raph throw their dice, the purple and red die colliding across the board. The deep ruby one comes up a fourteen, while the light lavender one lands on a sixteen.

“Ha!” Donnie crows.

“Not so fast, I have _advantage!”_ Raph says. “Add plus two! That’s a tie.”

“You take damage still, sorry, Raph,” April corrects. “Donnie, if you would. One D6 per zombie, just to keep it simple.”

Donnie tosses his die, cackling as it lands on a six, a four, a three, and a five per toss. Raph blanches as his Firbolg cleric is mobbed for eighteen damage, but then rallies. April cuts him some slack by saying, “Raph, you’re a nature cleric, so knock off a third of that damage.”

“What?!”

“Hell yes!”

“And you’re next in the order anyway, so go nuts with retaliation, bro.”

Raph grins at Donnie, pleased with himself. “Valkyrie casts turn undead!”

“ _Noooo!”_ Donnie wails as the dice are thrown. He quickly tosses his own, but is dismayed by the results.

“Valkyrie explodes two of your dead groupies, and pushes back the others. Oof, quite the blow to your numbers, Dee. Splinter, you’re next in the order.”

“Lou Spinjitsu jumps into his shadow and teleports to be behind Pharius.”

“Ahuh? Roll it.”

“Seventeen.”

“Aight, you make it through the shadow realm to stand behind Frankenstein’s fanboy. What do you do?”

“I take his backpack, teleport backwards where we came from by sixty feet, and then I run away.”

“ _What?!”_ Donnie shrieks in time with Raph. Leo and Mikey are laughing so hard they’re barely sitting upright anymore.

“Oh my _god,_ I want this to work out so badly,” April laughs. “Jesus, a triple cross, alright, Lou lemme see you roll dexterity for slight of hand and then a, uhhhh… shit, what is this even?” She taps her nails on the table as she considers. “I’m gonna go with an acrobatics check with advantage, since you’re disengaging from the fight, but you’re- _haha-_ surprise attacking your teammate for it.”

“ _Splinter don’t you DARE!”_

The only adult in their party gives his second eldest a shit-eating grin. He rolls his dice, ignoring Donnie’s ire. As it stops, he proclaims proudly, “Eighteen!”

“And you, Pharius?”

“ _Twelve,”_ Donnie grits out.

“Lou grabs your backpack and-”

“Wait! I wanna attack!” Mikey interjects, tossing his dice.

“Well, you are next, but he’s not really done his turn… So in order for you to contest his roll, you’d need a pretty g-” April stops, glancing at Mikey’s die. She sighs. “You’d need a pretty good roll, which you just did.”

“Natural twenty, heck yeah!” Mikey cries. “Plus my athletics advantage, _twenty-seven!_ And I’m going to use my frenzy bonus! Boppit the Barbarian Berserker charges Lou Spinjitsu and clobbers him right before he teleports!”

“Lou, what’s your constitution?”

“Not that,” Splinter says, ears pinned back as their youngest member laughs.

“Welp. Sucks to suck, you get clobbered right out of those shadows. Donnie, make an athletics check to see if you get out of the way.” Donnie does so, and the unimpressive seven makes him scowl. “Yeah, not gonna do it. Boppit takes you down with that clobbering, too.”

“Now I use my frenzy bonus to punch Lou in the face really, really hard! And- and Boppit shouts _‘IT’S CLOBBERING TIME’_ as he does!”

“This is impressively out of control, even for us,” Leo comments as he watches his twin and father both curse at Mikey.

“I didn’t really expect you guys to actually complete the campaign anyway,” April says with a shrug. “Mikey, hon, lemme see that melee attack roll.”

“Fourteen, plus my strength check, which is eighteen!”

“Lou?”

“…I rolled a ten.”

“And your health right now?”

“Twenty-one. Because _somebody_ doesn’t remember to use his heal slots!”

“Valkyrie likes gettin’ in on the action, so sue her,” Raph says, sticking out his tongue.

April clicks her tongue at Splinter’s misfortune. “Yeah, Lou gets so clobbered he’s knocked unconscious. Roll for damage, Mikey.”

He does, and gets a very pleasing twelve. Following that- “And now I use my _other_ bonus attack!” Mikey exclaims.

“How many attacks do you even _have?”_ Donnie says furiously.

“More’en you, bro!” Mikey’s smile is wicked, eyes glinting with merciless intent. “Roll, Pharius. I’m about to whoop your butt.”

-/-

Not much later, Pharius and Lou have both been bound up in rope and relieved of the Stone of Spring. Donnie has his head down on the table in defeat, all of his zombies burnt to ashes; Splinter’s expression has scrunched up so much his eyes are barely visible under his brows, while Lou still incapacitated.

“I’ll be carrying this for safe keeping,” Leo says as his bard takes possession of the stone, while he passes a quick note to April under the table. “It’s a nice, if temporary addition, to my cool rocks collection. Good job team, we’ve done it again.”

“You didn’t do anything,” Raph says disapprovingly.

“I was moral support! I even played _eye of the tiger_ for your guys’ fight!”

“Before we debate Peetza’s usefulness any further,” April interrupts, “I want Valkyrie and Boppit to roll a perception check.”

Mikey gives her a look. “Huh? Why?”

“Just ‘cause.”

“That’s ominous,” Raph mutters, rolling his die. “’kay, so I don’t think I even know where we _are_ with a two, let alone whatever you want us to see.”

“I think we’re in a cave, according to my seven,” Mikey says wryly.

“Boppit surmises you’re all standing in a cave tunnel,” April says with a laugh. “Valkyrie meanwhile is somehow lost without having moved at all.”

“Anyone got a map?” Raph jokes.

“So did we miss anything important?” Mikey asks.

“Eh, not really. It doesn’t matter right now.”

_“Ominous,”_ Raph repeats.

“I try.”

“Whatever, good wins again!” Mikey cheers. “Can we go back into town, now? I wanted to buy a few healing potions from that apothecary we saw.”

“But you got me? I’m literally your healer?” Raph asks, confused.

“Yeah, but it’s not like you ever actually heal us.”

“Hey! I do too!”

April flips through her tablet’s story chronology. “My notes say the last time you healed someone was three sessions ago, dude.”

“I’m saving my heal slots,” Raph sniffs. “Let’s just get outta these tunnels already.”

“Uh, what about the mayor’s wife? She won’t be jazzed if you come back without her.”

“Oh shit,” Mikey says, “we totally forgot about her.”

“God, if we _have to,”_ Leo says.

“I spent like, two weeks brainstorming this story. I’d appreciate it if you at least rescued the lesbian.”

“Fine.”

What followed could only be described as a riveting underdog quest- a team fractured, but it’s surviving members persevering regardless (with their other two trussed up, carried upon Valkyrie’s back). A valiant was fought in the depths of this conveniently placed cave system near a sleepy little town, the walls echoing with the clash of blades and blaze of spells. The wife, saved; the stone, returned; the day, saved! As our heroes returned to the bustling streets of Wheatfieldington-

“That’s still a terrible name,” Donnie needles.

April reaches over and flicks his bicep. “Shut up. You know how hard it is to make a whole world, like twenty npcs, and look up the rules for every stupid stunt you wanna pull?”

“Hard?”

“Extraordinarily so. Now shut up, you’re gagged still.” April clears her throat, resuming. “And so Wheatfieldington receives you warmly, and locks up Pharius and Lou basically right away. There’s a party goin’ on, after that, what d’you wanna do?”

“Apothecary,” says Mikey, while Raph grouches about them not respecting his healer status.

“Okay, so you’re splitting up. Leo, what does Peetza feel like doing? This seems like his kind of scene. Maybe you wanna bust out a swordsmanship demonstration, or play a diddly on your fantasy electric guitar?”

“I think I’m gonna take a walk,” Leo says, a sly grin spreading across his face. “Maybe outside the town limits? The countryside is so nice this time of year.”

April raises an eyebrow. Raph and Mikey both turn narrow looks on Leo. Unseen, Donnie passes April a note, which she reads, grinning slowly.

“Alright. Sure, Peetza goes for a nice walk outside the town, roaming the vast wheat fields that paint the landscape with molten gold colors. A nice breeze makes the crop do that cool grass wave thing. Meanwhile, in the jail cell, Lou teleports outside the cell to get the keys off the sheriff’s desk, since he’s out having a party with everyone else.”

“No!” Mikey cries.

Raph frowns. “You guys lost, why’re you running?”

“We live to fight another day,” Donnie says with a casual shrug. “DM, we sneak out of the jail and run for the outskirts of town while everyone is busy.”

“Roll for stealth,” April says in a tolerant tone, long used to this sort of nonsense in their games.

Splinter does so first. “Twelve, plus seven. Nineteen.”

Donnie tosses his. “Thirteen, plus two.”

“Add disadvantage to whatever applicable rolls you make later, Donnie. The sunlight is blinding you, it’s scorching you, it’s-”

“I put on my big, floppy sunhat and sunglasses.”

“And so your vision is saved and you’ll get just a little sunburned. Lucky you.” April flips to a different section of her notes, humming. “You both make it within thirty feet of the town’s edge, but then a, uh… young man spots you! He’s a local smith, and he’s carrying his toolbelt with him. What do you do? We’ll skip initiative and just say he’s running at you with his big ol’ hammer.”

“I cast fireball,” Donnie says flatly, rolling his die. “Oh hell yes. Fuck this guy.”

“Aaaaand your natural twenty, even ignoring your spell modifier, burns this guy to a toasty little crisp. Wow. No mercy?”

“Chaotic evil, m’lady. I don’t even care.”

“We run after them to stop them!” Raph says desperately.

“Nope, you’re on the other side of town,” April says. “You ain’t got a clue this is going down.”

“What the hell is happening?” Mikey says, staring wide eyed.

“Jailbreak,” says Donnie.

“Double-cross,” says Leo.

“Their idea,” says Splinter, shrugging.

April ignores Mikey and Raph’s cries. “You two join up with Peetza outside of town. Now what?”

“I pull out the real Stone of Spring and hand it to Donnie,” Leo says smugly.

Mikey slams a hand on the table. “ _Back the hell up,_ when’d you-?”

“When we rescued the mayor’s wife,” Leo says breezily. “I said I gave her _a_ stone, not _the_ stone. Cast prestidigitation, dude. Bard’s can do that too.”

“ _When?!”_ Raph demands loudly, though it’s in a confused tone rather than angry.

“It’s not a cantrip, but it didn’t exactly require a high roll, given no one saw him doing it,” April answers for him, leaning on the table with an exasperated smile, flashing the two notes she’d been passed. “We’d gone off the rails already, I allowed it ‘cause I knew we were just gonna keep going like that.”

“Okay, that _can’t_ be a part of the rules,” Mikey says sourly.

“Eh, Leo declared himself a part of Donnie and Splinter’s group, which was separate from yours by then, so I let ‘em do secret planning. Like a regular enemy.” Seeing the continued scowls from Mikey and Raph, April comforts with, “Hey, don’t sweat it. You guys did a good job, but things were gonna go screwy one way or another. Next campaign I’ll let you two break the laws of DnD, alright?”

Raph sighs, crossing his arms. “Fine. I’m picking chaotic neutral, too, next time, though.”

“Sure, hon.”

“It’s fine if he’s fine, but Boppit is still pissed!” Mikey says. “April, they totally made a scene with a giant fireball. How soon do people realize it’s ‘cause they escaped?”

“They have a fifteen-minute head start on you.”

“Great. I’m gonna use fast movement and run after them.”

“You know there’s horses here, right?”

“Yes. I’m not gonna use one.”

“…Aight, man. Roll an, uhhhh… actually, I don’t have energy to figure that out. Fuck it. Roll a D20 and we’ll just say it’s your strength modifier.”

“Seventeen with plus four, which is twenty-one.”

“You sprint out of town after them, not quite Road Runner, but close enough you kick up some dust. What’s the plan if you catch up to them?”

Mikey takes a deep breath, puffing out his chest. “I’m gonna go into mindless rage mode, and then I’m gonna kick. Their. _Asses.”_

“I guess I’ll stay in town,” Raph says, rolling his eyes. “Pop a squat, check out the local cuisine.”

“I grab the stone from Pharius and teleport sixty feet ahead.”

“Dad! Seriously, again?!”

“Peetza casts invisibility on himself and starts walking the opposite direction from them.”

“ _Leo!”_

“Sorry, dude, this bard has his priorities in order. Which is now pretending I never betrayed the others in the first place ‘cause our alliance lasted like, ten minutes.”

“I cast- no, fuck you Leo, I cast fly and fly after dad!”

“I’m still sprinting, when do I catch up?”

“You see Pharius flying way up ahead, a faint smudge that could be Lou, and Peetza is nowhere to be seen.”

“I keep sprinting!”

“Valkyrie’s good back here,” Raph sighs, leaning back from the table as their (originally semi-serious) campaign devolves into lawless shenanigans, as nearly all of their campaigns eventually do.

**Author's Note:**

> splinter: Human Monk; raph: Firbolg Cleric; donnie: Dark Elf Wizard; leo: High Elf Bard; mikey: Goliath Barbarian Berserker. april got to play god this time bc i flipped a coin x3 and she won every time.
> 
> i'm gonna pretend that any mistakes made here with DnD is due to the characters and not my own inexperience. oh and shoutout to my followers on my tumblr (@onthespectrumwriting) who replied with suggestions for everyone's races n classes!


End file.
